Spell check is for lasers.
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I hope it’s French Onion!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.