How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sending in my taxes
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.