As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.