If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Body by sandwich.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I would move hell over six inches for you
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend