Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.