Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Oh. My. God.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?