Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.