I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
That took me a moment.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Just so funny
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.