I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas