Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.