I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
You Might Also Like
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
🛁
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Dolls on drugs
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them