[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.