I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me My dog