99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
You Might Also Like
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A bold strategy
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.