I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I came this close!!!!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.