[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”