Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months