Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.