What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it