I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran