Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Ummm
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.