ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.