Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Strangers have the best candy.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.