Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Bobby pin
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?