It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend