Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.