I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”