Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken