If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.