“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Pat is about to own someone
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere