rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.