TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires