Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
monday
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.