A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight