I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Skills
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now