*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
You Might Also Like
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My blood type is coffee.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh