Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”