Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
mumsnet is amazing
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)