I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me My dog
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing