I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
#StillHurts
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”