Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.