Banderslack Clamberdorch
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.