Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
looks legit
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
everyone has that one prude friend
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.