*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My kitchen overserved me.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?