5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.