Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
TODAY
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.