If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Cats are still liquid.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.