I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.