“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?