As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
me irl
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Is your wife single?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Taking phone security to the next level.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]